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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27579338">Welcome Home, Exile</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenSenecio/pseuds/GoldenSenecio'>GoldenSenecio</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ghost (Sweden Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - 1960s, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Canon Compliant, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Pre Go-Go-Goat, Sharing a Bed, father!nihil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:53:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,792</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27579338</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenSenecio/pseuds/GoldenSenecio</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Its 1969, and Sister Imperator must return home to bury her mother and face everything that she ran away from. Nihil, still in the middle of becoming Father Nihil, links up with her to take on the two week road trip. This can be a blessing, or perhaps a well disguised curse, as Imperator's peace with her choices is tested by a family that hardly knows her anymore. It's a long drive to Ohio and the blood in the air is suffocating.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Papa Emeritus Zero | Papa Emeritus Nihil/Sister Imperator</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prelude: If You See Light</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello again, this fic is for one person only and all the rest of you are just fiends in the nose-bleed section. This is after my fic 'I Will Build a House For You Outside of Heaven,' but before the Go-Go-Goat MV. I will be slow to update, but I'm having fun and none of you know me anyway, and the rating may change depending upon the content. Thank you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Los Angles Times Article, <em>July 18th, 1968</em></strong><br/>
<strong>Written by Salem Monroe, Lifestyle &amp; Features Assistant Editor</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>SATANIC CHURCH LOOKS FOR NEW BEGINNINGS, CELEBRATES THEIR NEW HOME IN HOLLYWOOD</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It is still warm in the morning that Sister Imperator considers the amount of fuel in her tank while in a soft black cotton number. It is not easy being a foward facing nun in a church that covers such controversies, but, she is thinking of the day ahead.</p><p> </p><p>“You know,” Father Nihil says from the shadow of a tree. “We keep making our coffins.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Imperator speaks over the wind, turning around to look at him as he emerges from the dark. “What the hell does that mean?”</p><p> </p><p>Nihil shuffles his feet, looks about the well-manicured church lawn that sits in the concrete Los Angeles. He does not respond.</p><p> </p><p>Sister Imperator, a nun who is both too-new and yet very-old, has stepped out into the churchyard to collect the dear father and make sense of her mission. What is it? Party gifts.</p><p> </p><p>For the unassuming Church of Satan, perched at a crossroads of two flowery street signs, located in the downtown Hollywood area- a small birthday celebration is going to be had. Sister Narrows, a recruit in the church, is turning 18. However, she is not the only one.</p><p> </p><p>Sister Imperator, the poster child of this new church and covenant, does not speak on their beliefs in-depth and directs outsiders of the existence of a small box of free literature on the doorstep. However, she will talk about the ever-increasing amount of new followers- and their many celebrations.</p><p> </p><p>“Now,” Sister says, turning to Father Nihil, the head of the church band, and face their marketing campaign. “What kind of cake should we make?”</p><p> </p><p>They step side-by-side on LA’s concrete walkways, already natives to the heat and looks by Los Angeles on the street, wearing matching full black outfits. Though Nihil dresses in black slacks and a black shirt with a priest collar- Sister is wearing a short cotton dress that hits her mid-thigh. There is a large cut in the back, in the shape of a triangle, and her matching black school girl shoes give off the impression of being a trendy modern woman of these times. She ties up her blonde hair in a high ponytail and looks over her shoulders, almost like a hunting cat.</p><p> </p><p>The church, which celebrates its 10th anniversary at its new home, was not always this open about their activities. Considered an opaque organization, once openly denounced by the community (and still is in many parts), they began opening services to the public in the past few years. Membership is encouraged, but not required, for the open services- yet their calendar holds many closed-door events and celebrations.</p><p> </p><p>However, there have not always been times of such prosperity. The church came into a challenging financial crisis four years ago, tax and court documents recovered by local media sources show, specifically about their operations. Brought up at a recent town meeting at their old residency, Maywood, residents in the area have said that they wished to see the church disappear.</p><p> </p><p>Brook Hall, a resident of Maywood for ten years, began posting flyers demanding their eviction from Los Angeles.</p><p> </p><p>“It is not our job to pick up the slack of these bohemians,” Hall said after inquiring about the number written on the flyer. “I wanted to get the word out about these people, and so I wrote whatever information I had and requested calls.”</p><p> </p><p>When asked about the nature of the calls she received, she said they were a ‘personal matter.’</p><p> </p><p>In the documents that brought negative attention to the church, the papers noted that rent failed to be paid multiple times at their previous home in the Maywood area. Other documents showed lawsuits from families that alleged that the church had misrepresented itself as a non-profit when their family members signed volunteer contracts and received help and free labor under false pretenses.</p><p> </p><p>The Church of Satan had moved many times over the years, and Church officials stated that it was due to being discriminated against for their beliefs and practices, saying the accusations of unpaid rent were another transgression against them. Sister Imperator tells of a broader phenomenon in their controversies.</p><p> </p><p>“The reality is,” She says in step with father Nihil at the local intersection, holding a large tote filled with trinkets and decorations for the birthday party scheduled for the evening, “we’ve been hated since the start. Yes, the previous administration has moved a few times, and there may be some bad checks on the record that I am not aware of, but the church only moved to larger spaces where our congregation can worship in peace.”</p><p> </p><p>The crosswalk sign in front of the pair lights up, and the motion of shadows in an unflinching sun crosses over the painted lines. “We don’t act like kings or lords over our people,” She says, “We are trying to have a good life.”</p><p> </p><p>On the lawsuits and unpaid volunteers, Father Nihil steps into the conversation. He has spent the last two years involved with the church, ever since he met a few church members at a party. He volunteers to play music during public services.</p><p> </p><p>“Given how often we are scrutinized by those who hate our beliefs, it’s not a stretch to see why they would sue us if one of their family members ends up joining,” He says,</p><p>“But we are still a non-profit, we do our best to help the community regardless of who they are. Those who ask for assistance receive assistance, and we have not broken any laws in giving that assistance.”</p><p> </p><p>The decorations Sister is holding sparkle in the sunlight, casting reflections about, and they walk through the busy streets to their home turf. There, the church towers over all other structures- casting a change of character over the road it lives on, both an inviting and a warning shot when the sun begins to set. Dark brick makes up the building, with cobblestone steps and large black doors, but sitting is a free community library located in a birch-wood wardrobe.</p><p> </p><p>The front doors have clean glass installed and open without any resistance- revealing two shelves of self-published literature and informational brochures on the church’s stance on political matters and introductions to their beliefs.</p><p> </p><p>Inside, a hush falls over the pair as they head to the quaint church kitchen hidden deeper inside the building; with its deep green wallpaper and checkered floor, a free-standing kitchen island allows any supplies to be within reach.</p><p> </p><p>Imperator claps her hands together, then adjusts her ponytail, “Now! we must make the meal!”</p><p> </p><p>The meal, which consists of some favorites of the staff, leans heavily home-made. Rice is washed and cooked; spices pulled from the cupboards, bread baked after left to rise in the morning. And suddenly, every stationary hand is either chopping, stirring, flipping, or holding a hot cup of coffee. The kitchen and its adjacent dining room, only separated by an extension of the counter space- a half-wall with layered wood paneling, have chairs shuffled in from other places. Office chairs wheeled in, table flaps lifted, and silence makes a hurried getaway as every person begins chatting with each other.</p><p> </p><p>Sister Narrows, a bright young woman turning 18 at the stroke of twelve (she so tells us), has been collected to sit in a chair at the head of the table. Her long habit opaque against the windows’ light on her back- but some blonde hair escapes the edges. He smiles wide at the mug places between her hands and the many people who travel about the table, wishing her good wishes. She speaks a soft northern accent- her hometown is right outside Chicago, she says.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m thrilled I came here,” she says with a joyful noise. “I feel as though this is gonna be the best birthday ever!”</p><p> </p><p>However, as Nihil begins sifting the flour, he opens the floor to a single question.</p><p> </p><p>“do you think,” he begins and falters. Some voices hush while others continue. Imperator moves from one end to another in dinner prep, checking the potatoes for roots and onions of softness. “Do you think we are playing house?”</p><p> </p><p>Imperator does not stop moving her hands, and the chopping sounds start to balloon over them- muffling any conversation from leaking out. “Do you mean, are we in the doll’s house?”</p><p> </p><p>Nihil takes a long silence, awaiting the chopped vegetables on the cutting board, and looms over a hot cast iron pan. As they poured into the pan, Nihil speaks some words to the Sister. They huddle over the flying oil and aroma; the smell of spices does not reach the far end of the kitten with the gallery of witnesses till they come to some agreement and lean away.</p><p> </p><p>Sister Narrows waves at Nihil from beyond the wall, separating them from the rest of the kitchen. He smiles and waves back.</p><p> </p><p>“Now this is the perfect example of a doll. Look upon her cheeks- so rosy and red!” He yells across the divide, in a sing-song like voice. “Now, what would you enjoy for your special day?”</p><p> </p><p>Narrows lifts both of her arms in a V formation and yells back, in the same timber, “All that you can give, any food you can prepare!”</p><p> </p><p>Nihil returns the call, and they banter back and forth, reaching new ideas and pitch. Sister Imperator exhumes from Father Nihil’s shadow with bread on a black platter, the apron now loose from her waist.</p><p> </p><p>“Will bread do?” Imperator places the platter on the table, “I have made you some good stew.”</p><p> </p><p>Noise arises from the table, and Narrows begins to break the bread to the many idle hands surrounding her. The staff moves to gather supplies, plates, and bowls that don’t match, serving utensils of various sizes, pot holders placed in pleasing patterns to house the dishes. The meal itself was a vegetable stew, a loaf of delightful bread, a cucumber salad that must hail from the Midwest due to its strange colors, and a meat pie with a satanist symbol layered into the crust.</p><p> </p><p>Grace is said, with all people joining hand, the meal commences. Father Nihil finds his seat across from Sister Nihil and several other nuns- and they continue a silent conversation with nods and quirks of a smile. It’s not long before a cake, chocolate with dark chocolate frosting, and small plates are passed around.</p><p> </p><p>Sister Narrows tucks her hair behind her ear- as the candles are lit and make a silent wish. The staff’s clapping fills the room and takes over the whole of the building now. It feels like the whole earth has paused for one nice memento before daily life picks up again for the clergy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Bloodbuzz Ohio</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>      On a good morning in 1969, at a Satanist church in Los Angeles, Sister Imperator gets a phone call from her bedside. She does not pick up on the first ring- and it rings and rings and rings until she cannot stand it and picks up. When a voice, lost to the tide of memory, rings out in a calculated deadpan, Imperator sits up instantly and clenches her jaw.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t move for a long moment, listening to the voice, then makes a calculated response to it. After hanging up the receiver, she decides to run over the past few weeks in her mind.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The church decided to hold a holiday celebration a few weeks ago. 'Something to ring in the new year!' All the other sisters told her. Something to bring in more people and have a bit of fun. It later all fell directly into her lap because everyone else was oh, so busy. And she was the youngest, still slightly disliked by the higher-ups. So, of course, Imperator would need to do everything the sisters didn’t want to do. After the first week of bickering, she just pulled the telephone with a direct line into her room with stacks of papers on her nightstand.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was going...well. Given how the church hasn’t been public in decades, sacrificed people, and worshiped the one thing many people feared and hated. Imperator went to bed with headaches and woke up in even worse ones. Then Nihil, given all his abilities to know when to not knock on her door and ask for company, started to work on getting ordained and becoming Father Nihil. The higher-ups relished a chance to bully the newcomer- and allowed him to enter the seminary.</p><p> </p><p>It feels strange to try calling him Father, but people say it anyway. Whether they feel weird about it, too, they don’t tell her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The party was at a lounge, mostly used by film crews for shots of the ‘Underground Scene’ in their movies. All red lights, black mock-Victorian furniture, and a large bar against the brick walls that seemed to serve only vodka and whiskey. But it was nice, and private, and the caterer was close and affordable. The woman running it thought she was joking when she said ’a gathering for a bunch of demon obsessives.’ Sister saw no need to correct her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Finally able to get all the ducks in a row, Imperator made the grave mistake of believing that she would wake up on her own time rather than by a ringing rotary phone late, late, last night. She, of course, was incorrect.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Un-clenching her jaw by force, She tumbles out of bed. All the work on her shoulders still. She was moving towards the dresser and closet. A cotton mid-length dress plucked off the rack, and she begins searching the bottom of a full drawer for socks to match. When your whole wardrobe is one color, it gets harder to find what you need. One pair of suitable slip-ons taken out from behind the door and everything else was half-hazarded extras. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sister makes a mental note to clean her room, to finally organize the minefield of shoes, clothing left hanging over chairs and mirror, and begin tossing out all her old makeup. It shuffles right behind the other dozens of to-do lists that she can’t seem to finish.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The halls are quiet, even as some ghouls walk around carrying paperwork. The first trick they learned is how to silence their footsteps; the next is how to file paperwork in the right areas. Sister steps lightly from her room and shuts the door, waiting for the sound of the lock. A ghoul passes silently by her- carrying two sacks of potting soil under his arms.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey.” Imperator speaks to the doorknob, “Where did you get that?”</p><p> </p><p>The ghoul stops and turns, careful of not hitting the closest table with overflowing vases.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Uh,” Says a voice that hasn’t been in use for quite a long time, “Sister...Knife..”</p><p> </p><p>“Sister. Knife.” she retorts back, trying to hold his eyes. Well, what she assumes is his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>A little wheedling voice comes out from the demon, “Shiv.” It then retreats to whence it came.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Imperator looks at him and squares her shoulders. He’s tall and lanky, with big ram horns on his head, and his gardening uniform is covered with dirt. He doesn’t look scared, per se, but he does look like he’s waiting to be told off. She doesn’t say anything for a moment. He doesn’t either.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I am keen to see what you plant then.” She says finally and heads off in a separate direction, turning the corner. The walls décor changed around her from dark mid-century-modern to something from the present era. The ghoul runs off in his original path, a bit giddier than before.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The castle splits off into two different church decor styles, one of which is more traditional in the strange satanist sense; Victorian, Skulls, dark reds and black paint, The stained glass depicting welcoming parties in hell. Simultaneously, the other side is much more modern, with its wooden furniture, lovely paintings of people, or the tasteful nude of The Old One, Creme walls, and decorative carpets. The traditional one is more closed off to the sun while sandalwood perfume permeates everything in a soft haze- the modern side smelling like fresh sheets and opens into memorizing gardens.</p><p> </p><p>Two sides to every coin, for both humans and demons.</p><p> </p><p>Imperator makes a bee-line for the more profound riches of the modern rooms. She is a black spot in a world of stained colored light, the cream walls tower over her quick form, and the tile below her rushing out in waves in front of her shoes. She suddenly misses the smell of smoke that lives in her sheets, the breath of god on her pillow, the dried flowers that hang down over her bedpost, but she can’t go back to bed. She has work to do.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Nihil's room used to feel like a hotel room after he began spending so many nights studying rites in the library. Especially after he spent even more sleeping on Sister’s couch (ever the gentleman, she had to goad him into sleeping next to her. Even then, he would sleep at the edge of the bed- sometimes even at her feet like a dog. She’d have to un-curl him to sleep correctly.) But, while keeping away from her during the party’s planning, all his little quirks come out. Clothing left folded nicely on the nightstand for the next day, shoes in a row against the wall, all his formal wear dry cleaned and left hanging in the closet with plastic still on. Starkly contrasting the paperwork left on whatever free surfaces he has, makeup left open in the sink for ease of access, books stacked high on one side of the bed. Measured chaos.</p><p> </p><p>Imperator knocks on the door and doesn’t pause before letting herself in any way.</p><p> </p><p>“Sister!” Nihil shouts from under the covers, “Hello!”</p><p> </p><p>Imperator moves towards the desk, across the way from Nihil's caterpillar-like-form, and passes paperwork from the sitting chair to the piles on the floor. Memos from higher-ups, half-written letters, and Illegible notes seem to overwhelm the desk behind her entirely. She can hear Nihil trying to unwrap himself from under the two comforters and six pillows he softens his body with. Sitting unceremoniously down, she watches as his bare-faced- and likely in underwear- top half of his form pops out from the covers. He looks excited but trying not to overwhelm her. His hair curling towards the ceiling, the sleep still apparent in his limbs.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“How is-” he coughs, swallows quickly, “How is the party going?”</p><p> </p><p>Sister keeps looking at his eyes, not allowing herself to wander. “I finished everything yesterday.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“That’s great! Do you want to get some breakfast?” Nihil starts to stretch over the edge of the bed and reach for his nightstand, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Do you want to go shopping?”</p><p> </p><p>Sister pauses and breathes through her nose. “I want to. But something has come up.”</p><p> </p><p>Nihil grabs the pants off the nightstand, black slacks as always, and puts them on under the covers. “What happened? Are the higher-ups asking you to do something else?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sister moves her gaze to the many pictures Nihil has tapped up on the wall. Pictures of them, pictures of him and the ghouls, people he used to know. She stares hard at a picture of Nihil as a kid, smiling at the camera, his first day of fifth grade.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going on a trip.”</p><p> </p><p>Nihil pauses. “Where?”</p><p> </p><p>“I have to go home.”</p><p> </p><p>Nihil starts getting out of bed to stand, “What do you mean, go home? I thought there was nowhere to go?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sister looks a little longer at smiling child Nihil and faces the adult that child became. “I’m getting some things I’ve left behind. My uncle called to tell me that they’re dealing with my mother’s estate and wanted to know if I could take anything.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Picking up his button-down from the nightstand, he doesn’t say anything for a moment. Nihil turns away to look in the mirror, and Sister looks at his back. It’s not a bad sight, seeing all the fading freckles on his shoulders- the moving shoulder blades- that tattoo of a heart on his lower back. She is watching his careful dance of slipping the shirt over his body. It’s cute.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay?” He looks over his shoulder at her, one button between his fingers. He seems concerned, but he doesn’t quite get it.</p><p> </p><p>Of course, he doesn’t get it, Sister thinks, he doesn’t know anything about it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I’m dealing with it. All those loose ends, I just gotta get over it and pack.” She says to his reflection in the mirror, looking at the scar that peaks over the shell of his ear.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to get over it- you have me.” Nihil turns towards her now, buttoned up to his chin, “We can talk about it. I’m here for that, you know.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She can feel a smile crop up on her face and looks down at the carpet, and thinks that it needs vacuuming. Nihil pulls on his lovely priest's trousers.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I’m serious. Where is the estate sale?” Nihil starts tucking his shirt in and realizes that he isn’t wearing socks. “Great One, I look like a mess.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A warmth enters Sister’s voice without her even trying. “You’ve been in here for a few weeks, of course you look like that.”</p><p> </p><p>But, reality sets her back to her routine and slightly tailored state. “I don’t want to distract you. You have the final exam for your first year in the seminary coming up and the big party I planned- I need someone to cover for me. I’m going away for a little bit, and I need someone to be here while I’m gone. I can’t expect you to drop everything for me.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Nihil grumbles as he searches in his drawers for a clean pair of socks. He starts pulling out knickknacks and jars full of weird items, like a magician pulling rabbits from a hat, digging around for a bundled pair.</p><p> </p><p>“If it’s moving stuff from her house, won’t you need an extra hand? Moving furniture? And if it’s far, you will need someone to take over driving-”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I can do it.” She interrupts, “I’ve driven from there before, with all my stuff- it’s not something I can’t handle!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s not about what you can handle. It’s about whether you should go about doing it without any backup.” Nihil pulls out a pair of mismatched socks and gives her a look that makes her pride deflate slightly. “I don’t want to fight you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sister breathes out a sigh and relaxes in the chair. She leans forward with her head propped up on her hands, elbows resting on her knees. “I don’t want to fight either. I’m tired of all this already. I really just want to do my job and go to a party. But I have to claim this stuff.” Nihil gives her a sad little smile.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want my mom’s precious stuff to get divided up among some <em> strangers.” </em>her words finishing off with a slightly frustrated tone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“They won’t know how to take care of them.” and she sucks on her teeth before realizing how childish that is and stops.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Nihil laces a belt through his pant loops and holds a few thoughts in his head. Who he can push his work off to, how close he was to exams, getting stuck on what he has that’s clean to pack. Sometimes he feels like Sister can read his mind, know exactly what he thinks before he even thinks it. He hopes that she can’t see his thoughts now.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“This is important to you, yes?” After buckling himself, “then it’s important to me too. We can get some other Sisters to help watch the party, and I can study on the way and take the test when I get back.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sister looks at him with a face that's seen one too many exhausting ideas, “It’s in Ohio, Nihil.”</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t stop and just takes a few steps towards her, “And that’s what? A four-day drive altogether?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It’s five days, Nihil.” Imperator just looks up at him, “<em> One way </em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Nihil stops in front of her and smiles that one smile at her, that one where he has the worst ideas in mind. “We could do it before the test! If we speed, we could even be there for the party at the lounge- Sister, we can do this.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There, in that room, Sister sighs defeat and looks up at Nihil. All these plans begin to flood her head. A to-do list spawns at the front of her mind. “Pull your weight, and we can go.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Nihil whoops, and turns away, looking for his shoes. Sister leans forward into her hands and rubs at her face.</p><p> </p><p><em> It’ll be fine, I suppose. </em> She thinks, <em> What is the worst that could happen?  </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, this goes out to my favourite Hummen Kuube user. I am excited to see you again, soon.</p><p>11/21 note: Some of you with keen eyes may notice me reupload chapters. This is because I notice grammer/clarity errors that my writing program does not catch or changes without my knowledge. I view readability and mood in the writing to be of more importance than anything else. Syntax, passive/active voice, and use of real words be damned. </p><p>Don't ever buy the full version when a human being knows best, dear reader.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Summertime, and Living is Easy.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>      </p><p> </p><p>        After they hatch a quick plan over breakfast, Nihil and Sister Imperator immediately head in separate directions. Sister spends all day running errands and chasing after head nuns, While Nihil argues in his classes and weasels professors into letting him bring study materials on his trip out east.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sister Mizon, one of the older administrators, agrees to take phone calls and messages for the party and pass the information to Imperator wherever she’s able to call in. No one bats an eye at the idea of taking off to deal with the death of a parent- many of them have done something similar before joining.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After trying to keep herself in everyone’s good graces for most of the day, Sister heads directly into the garden to hide.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Considered the crown jewel of the church grounds, the garden is vast and wide- filled to the brim with vegetables and flowers- something akin to a reformation of the garden of Eden. This time, with a more anarchist and humorous edge. The communal garden takes up most of the space, with rocks stacked high around its borders. Whereas the rest is walkways, flat stones, and batches of flowers. A few hedges trimmed to become vague shapes of bodies, one of which seems to be of two people in a compromising position- but looks more like a colossal raven attacking a smaller bird in the air. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Recently, Someone had seen benches outside a abandoned landscaping shop and dragged them into the garden, and Imperator heads there to rest in the shade.</p><p> </p><p>Public facades aside, Imperator does not feel much over the passing of her mother. There are feelings there, scutting right under her skin, but they haven’t seemed to be absorbed into her mind. In some ways, she had always assumed that her mother was just the same as the day she had left. Standing in the kitchen, facing away from her while she looked at her back one last time before disappearing. A woman she could never imagine growing old and dying, but time moved forward without her permission. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As she sat down, there was a soft sound of Someone stepping out of the towering vegetable garden, and Imperator did not dare to turn and look. She knew that her face must have some sort of a dead giveaway- and she could not bear to be vulnerable right now. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ah, Sister!” a familiar voice said from behind the wired fence, “Enjoying the sun?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hello Narrows,” Imperator breathed and twisted in her seat to look at the young nun. “Eating raw tomatoes again?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sister Narrows, with her natural sun-kissed hair and farmer’s tan, was the order’s vegetable thief- and she smiled like the picture of a country girl winning the local 4-H fair. Her freckles and joyful demeanor clashed with the gothic attire she wore, a black kaftan with a hand-me-down apron. The vast sun hat she wore flopped over her vision almost entirely and obscured her eyes. Her dozens of metal rings clashed with the half-eaten pepper in her hand. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“No! Not ripe enough for me, I’m more interested in these yellow things right now.” She gestures with her free hand, “you would feel better if you had a pepper.”</p><p> </p><p>Imperator’s hand came up to hide her face; the sun must be getting to her. “Is it obvious?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“To me, yes. To other people? No!” a sweet laugh came from Sister Narrows, as she took another bite before continuing, “I just know you, ya know?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Imperator mouths a repeat of Narrow’s words as the younger Sister dives back into the greenery, popping up again like a happy prairie dog with more sweet bell peppers. There is a struggle and several curses as Narrows maneuvers to the open gate, Imperator does not get up to help. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Now, Now,” Narrows keeps repeating as they finally unravel all the trappings of the garden below their feet, “Now.”</p><p> </p><p>The spoils are dropped into Imperator's lap as Narrows finishes off the last of their meal- and plops down on the bench. Imperator starts to inspect a small, deformed pepper.</p><p> </p><p>“Did the uppers tell you to change your clothes again? Cause I know they hate the extra embellishments when it's laundry day.”</p><p> </p><p>Imperator hums and holds up the sad little pepper to the sky- taking a look at the considerable split down its body, “I’m taking a leave of absence for the next few days, family things.”</p><p> </p><p>Narrows looks at the pepper in the sky and nods, “I’d suppose so. Do you wanna tell me about it?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> There isn’t much reason to </em> , Imperator muses as she replaces the pepper into the rest. I <em>  don’t feel that I can. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“My mother is dead.” She says flatly, without much choice in her words, “I’m sorting out her estate.”</p><p> </p><p>Narrows is silent for a moment and takes a pepper from the pile in Imperator's lap. In her heavy metal hands, she turns it over and over, finally snapping it in half and unceremoniously holds it out for Imperator to take.</p><p> </p><p>Imperator studies her for a moment, and then the pepper. After turning 19 a few days ago, Narrows chopped off her long hair into a short boy’s cut once the weather started to get hotter. Her face was different from when she first came to the church, in a drab grey conservative dress and one suitcase, asking for a room in exchange for free labor. Now she wore dark clothing and oversized sun hats, worked in the yard all day, and cleaned up the living spaces without complaint, working quietly towards a better spot in the church. </p><p> </p><p>“Been there, it’s gonna be alright.” Narrows gestures with the split pepper a little more, “It’s going to hurt like hell for a long time, though. Tomorrow is the start of the rest of your life, and nothing can take that away.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Imperator reaches and takes the pepper out of the Sister’s hand, and feels absolutely bitter. Narrows just gives a sympathetic half-smile and takes a massive bite out of her half. “Were you close?”</p><p> </p><p>“In a way, yes.” Imperator takes a modest bite out of the pepper and feels soothed for the first time that day. She looks at the vegetable in her hand and steals a glance at Narrows “I can see why you are a little thief.”</p><p> </p><p>“Peppers make anyone feel better!” Narrows protests, “Eat more peppers! You’ll feel better!” and shovels another into her mouth as Imperator begins to laugh. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>In another section of the church, trapped in his messy room, Nihil tears apart his closet to find his suitcase. It was stacked high with dirty laundry he had been hiding from Imperator. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Most of his teachers were willing to give extensions, except for one, who required that he passed an oral exam on the phone the day of the exam. Nihil did not like this professor and wished delightful harm to him. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Where are you,” he growled into yet another balled up pair of black trousers, “Where are<em>  you </em>.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>With each piece of clothing lifted, memories began to fall out. Slips of photographs stolen from imperators box or his own collection fall from pockets, service pamphlets with scrawled notes and even phone numbers from one or two sleeves, collected ash filling the air as each layer was removed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Nihil gave a shout of victory as he pulled out the square leather briefcase, an artifact from his first move to Hollywood, falling open to reveal dirty socks and rock and roll t-shirts, leather pants squeaking from disuse. It was an absolute scramble to find a laundry sack.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Why am I like this!” Nihil shoveled as many dirty clothes into the sack without breathing through his nose, “Who does things like this!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He stands up straight and surveys his room, books stacked high on the floors and in his bed, open containers of makeup, clean clothes still not put away sitting on his dresser that he knows he has to refinish eventually. He breathes in deeply and tosses the suitcase to his open bed, and stands alone on the carpet. </p><p><em> Don’t I have a road atlas?  </em> He thinks,  <em> How long has it been since I’ve left home? </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There is a stale moment where he contemplates how long it’s been since he called his father and decides that it’s for the best that he never opens up that compartment in his head again. He gets to work stuffing clean clothes into the case and just focuses on his hands and thoughts of driving with Imperator in the passenger seat, looking at him. His ears felt a little hot. He ignores it to pack.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Imperator at this time is not looking at him, but she wanders towards his wing of the church to make a phone call. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The ‘phone room’ was a space the previous tenants left behind, and its payphones have long since been rigged to allow any church member free long distance calls. But it takes her several minutes to get the strength to pick up the phone. The contraption is a reflecting silver piece in the quiet privacy booth, and it feels alien in her hands- the dial tone taking over most of her thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>She regurgitates the phone number she never thought she would use again from her muscle memory and holds the receiver up to her ear, and cradles it. She still feels pepper on her tongue.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Peppers make everyone feel better,” she quietly says to the ringing noise. “Everyone.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When the phone finally picks up, a nasally voice comes in over the receiver with a muted hello.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello, is this the Anderson house? I am calling about Mary Andersons-”</p><p> </p><p>“She’s dead.” the voice spits out, “She will not pay you anything.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, Ah, No, I'm not looking for money-” Imperator can feel herself regressing into a child, “I’m her daughter, I was told to sort her estate out by my uncle? Who am I speaking to?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The other side's voice becomes more muffled, and a quiet conversation takes place between them and Someone else she can slightly recognize. “I’m also looking to liquidate her assets as much as possible.” she says after a moment.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The line goes still at that, and the familiar voice comes on the phone, “Hi kid. It’s me, Uncle Teddy. “</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A grimace comes over her face then. “Hi Uncle Teddy. What has been happening with the funeral?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm, it’s moving along. The service is in a few days at the family church.” He grumbles into the phone, “I don’t know why Tom called you about the estate, since you haven’t been to the house in a long time.”</p><p> </p><p>“What happened to the house? Teddy?” Imperator can feel her voice rise “Mom always said she was gonna get rid of the house-”</p><p> </p><p>Teddy’s voice gets faraway again as he speaks to the nasally voice from before, becoming agitated. “The house belongs to me and Dolly now; your mom let us move when you buzzed off. Tom’s just been hauling out all the junk from it.”</p><p> </p><p>Imperator stares at the buttons on the payphone, their disappeared numbers, and the dozens of scratches. It’s anger-inducing, all these little scratches. Can’t people just treat these machines nicely?</p><p> </p><p>“I’m her direct descendant. By law, I get that house and whatever else. I don’t care if you and Dolly live there. God knows I don’t need it. But Uncle Tom asked me to come down and see her anyway. When’s the date?”</p><p> </p><p>“Call Tom.” Teddy relays from the receiver, “He’ll know the specifics. You’re really coming down?”</p><p>Imperator can feel herself become numb at the sound of his voice, getting that oppressive feeling from her home town again, spreading from her hand on the phone. “I will be there in five days. Four if I leave today. I will call you again, let Uncle Tom know-”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Yeah, I know. I’ll let him know. See you soon!” Teddy then hangs up the phone, leaving Imperator with the dial tone and herself in that phone booth. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There is a long time spent with that dial tone, as the numbness swills in her stomach. A few years away from home, and suddenly that morning comes rushing back like it was only a minute ago. She remembers the taste of cedar and the rise of heat on the back of her neck. She hasn’t felt a sunburn in years like she did during that summer.</p><p> </p><p>When she hangs up the phone, Nihil is audibly dragging a suitcase through the hallway. Imperator breathes and revises the to-do list in her head. She makes a point to flop onto her bed and breathe in the sheets before she goes. </p><p> </p><p>“I know it's a trip when I see that thing,” she says to Nihils back. “You need help, stranger?”</p><p> </p><p>His head snaps up to look at her and sighs dramatically. “Oh, I am just a weak little thing, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>Unceremoniously, they grab hold of the handle together and drag it to the double doors. Nihil graciously takes a packed lunch one of the admins made when she heard they were leaving today while Imperator heads into her room to grab her pre-packed bags. Opting to drag a crocheted blanket off her bed to bring into the car, a sleek black Dodge Dart. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The Dart gleamed in the sun, Imperator’s prized possession. Once everything was loaded into the trunk, Imperator did a quick walk around, knowing the kind of beat down it would get once they got out of the city and hit dirt and gravel. Narrows must have moved quickly since a bag of fresh vegetables, and another filled with overnight sleeping gear were left in the backseat.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Once she got to the driver's side and saw Nihil's form in the passenger’s seat, her body felt heavy. A crawling sensation went up and down her back even though she was in the full gaze of the sun. All she could see was herself in the reflection of the window, and saw Someone who was just a little off from what she knew was herself. A tiny doll dancing as fast as it could to say that the strings weren’t there, keeping this pony show going, another little circus animal.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Sister?” Nihil’s muffled voice came from the other side, “Something wrong?” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sister hummed and tilted herself back into motion again, opening the door and sliding in. “Let’s rock and roll, shall we?” and smiled at Nihil. She hoped it portrayed happiness. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Decided to post this since I was waiting for all my files to transfer on the desk top. For a fanfiction about returning home to family, please don't do it this week if you can. (written 11/25/2020)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Be Safe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Leaving Los Angeles at any time can feel like entering a new circle of hell, especially in the mid-afternoon, but when the car enters the edge of Nevada, they both cheer. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After hours of chasing pavement and the sun dipping in the west, to be finally given way to miles of flatland and gasping end of the heat, it felt worth celebrating. Sister would mumble curses under her breath while she drove through the rush hour traffic, grateful for the distraction while Nihil played with the radio and gave little clips of conversation.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, all my professors keep assigning me passages of the Bible that I never went over in Sunday school,” he would start.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mmm, really?” Imperator would respond back, checking her rearview mirror.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And it’s quite fascinating to see all of the books! I had only kept to the popular parts,” he continues. “Did you ever do things like that growing up?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Imperator flipped on her turn signal at the intersection, keeping her eyes on the road.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. My mother would quiz me on it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, really?” Nihil perks up at the mention of her. “What was she like?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My mother,” She responds, trying to suffocate any conversation that may drop too deeply into that subject, “Was like any other Ohioan mother.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nihil makes a small noise back and lapses into silence for a bit, keeping one eye on Imperator’s whitening knuckles as she turns onto a major roadway. He would give her directions for the next few miles and then wait until the tension dissipated to start speaking again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sister didn’t mean to come off this way, cold and angry, but the inside of her chest buzzed with a kind of numb frequency saved for car accidents and waking up from a fainting spell. It was hard to articulate. The road was easier to understand and was a welcomed distraction till they reached the edge of Nevada. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sun was moving quickly down and it was a few more hours till Flagstaff, where they could rest and call in, and all of a sudden, her eyes felt itchy and hot. No matter how many times she tried to discreetly wipe at her face, they didn’t stop being hot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nihil.” Imperator could feel a sense of panic under the humming in her brain as she kept repeating his name. “Nihil.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His ears perked up at that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Woah, what’s happening?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sister imperator signaled as quickly as she could before pulling off onto the shoulder, kicking up an entire dust cloud. Traffic screamed past her door. Nihil looks a bit on edge at the sudden departure from the road. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you not feel good?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” Sister makes herself say. “Take over till we get to the hotel, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it cause you don’t feel good?” He asks again as he starts to open the door. “Do you need to puke?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sister huffs out air at that and lets her head fall back to the seat. She just breathes while Nihil sits and waits.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t sleep last night as well as I thought I did,” she turns her head to look at him. “I promise I won’t puke on your nice slacks.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nihil gives a sympathetic smile. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t mind. What’s a little bodily fluid between lovers?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Gross!” Imperator snickers at him, “This is why you can’t keep a nice girl around.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You are my nice girl,” he says. “Let me take over, alright?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There is a small moment once Nihil shuts the door and walking around the Dart’s back, where Imperator doesn’t want to move to the passenger. She just wants it to stay like this for several hours, where the sun is going down, and she’s alone in the car, and Nihil is going to come around the bend, and it’s okay. You can spend an eternity wanting to pretend time isn’t moving forward at all. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Sister left home, she still had a name. But once they got to the church all those years ago, in hand-me-down clothes and those awful boots long-since fallen to pieces, it was ditched in the grass somewhere like a piece of broken glass. She lost that name on purpose. Now it, and all those little choices she made, are rearing their ugly faces. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But here, at this moment where time doesn’t move, it’s just a trip. And Nihil is handsome in the sun. And the Dart is waxed and in prime condition. And she’s just a minnow in the surf.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sister?” Nihil calls from the other side of the driver side window, as a trucker horn blows bast them, “Do you want to lie down?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sister Imperator shakes herself out of it, shimmies over to the passenger seat, and tells him no. Nihil gets in, and they speed off towards the hotel without incident while he keeps one eye on her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The hotel itself is quiet and mostly vacant, much to their hopes. While Nihil heads to the front desk, Imperator starts to dig through Narrow’s harvest and begins to eat the small smattering of raspberries she wrapped for them. They’re a little bitter, but it tastes good with the sandwiches one of the administrative Sisters gave them. She had never met that one before, but she was tall with dark, thick hair and looked beautiful in a quiet, reserved kind of way. She smiled at Nihil while handing off the bag, which stuck to the inside of Imperator’s skull like used gum under a pew. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nihil knocked on the glass and motioned for them to head to the first-floor room, only a short walk from the car, and Imperator could see herself smile at him from the reflection in the glass. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They unload, and Sister walks off to call the church from the payphone at the side of the building. With all its desert charm, the hotel felt a bit alien to the well-worn places she knew and loved. When Sister calls the staff room back home, one of the ghouls picks up and takes her message for Sister Mizon. She counts out the quarters in her hand and takes a deep breath to call her uncle Tom. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The operator, on the other side, sounds exhausted but connects her anyway. Imperator leans into the payphone and presses her face into the metal rim around it. There is a prolonged listening of the ringing on the phone till her uncle picks up, groggy as expected.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello?” He says into the receiver.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Uncle Tom,” she says back to him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, hey kid,” a little warmth enters his voice, “How far are you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Seven hours deep.” She responds, “It’s going to be a long drive tomorrow; where are we staying once we get to your place?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, well,” Uncle Tom starts to sound pained from the other end of the line. “I thought you could stay in your old room? I think Ted has just used it for storage since you left.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Imperator hums, “We’ll it’s not just me coming. I’m bringing someone from my church.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That church?” Tom is starting to get a weird twist in his voice, “You’re still involved in that horrible stuff?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There is a moment where she feels hurt but shuts it up quickly. “He’s my companion.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A companion? </span>
  <em>
    <span>A companion. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Christ, you gotta tell me these things so I can give you a place to hide them,” Tom says. “I should’ve known you’d do something weird again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Imperator sighs into the receiver. “I will have him sleep in the car if it is such an issue. It’s the funeral, then the estate sale, and then I’m gone, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I am amazed by you.” Tom is suddenly curt in his responses, turning professional, for the first time in Imperator’s life anyway. “I’ll let them know you’re coming then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Uncle Tom,” Imperator says into the phone. “It’s good to hear from you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You as well. See you soon, Grace.” And then he hangs up the phone, and she’s left standing under the single wall light. Listening to the dial tone as a name she never thought she’d hear in that voice ricocheted around her skull. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sister switches to autopilot as she heads back to the hotel room, the electric current moving through her chest now forcing its way through-out her extremities. It sucks, it all sucks, and she opens up the door to Nihil sitting on one of the hotel beds. The staff gave them a room with two queens and the ugliest wallpaper she had ever seen before. It mismatched the bedding and accents around the room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Nihil says to her, as she comes closer to his bedside, “Hey there.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nihil tries to reach his hand to Imperator’s face, but she shrugs him off and turns away, walking to the corner of the hotel room, bracing her arms against the walls and hanging her head so low it looks like it’s fallen off, leaving just her shoulders, square and tense, in view.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” He says to her back, immediately on high alert. “Come on, please,” he starts to beg a little to her. “Please, just tell me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I feel like,” she spits out to the shitty carpet under her feet, curling her hands into tight fists, “that I’m radioactive in some way. Poisoned, almost, and you getting near me will create something catastrophic. Something that’s gonna take a thousand years to get within miles of-” Her words pick up speed, turning more acidic as she monologues. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her whole brain feels like soft grey matter, and it’s making the little marionette in her heart of hearts drop like a bird out of the sky.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to hurt you. I’m going to hurt everything. You might even hurt me in the process of getting the hell </span>
  <em>
    <span>away </span>
  </em>
  <span>from this atom bomb of a body I have-” The words become more hushed and bitter coming from Imperator’s mouth, her body folding in farther and farther into the wall itself. Nihil stands up from the bed and the sound of the springs being released snap Imperator out from her words.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just let me go,” She hushes into the wallpaper. “I’ll come back if you still want to keep me, but what’s going to happen is-” Nihil comes up behind her and wordlessly places his forehead onto her bird-like shoulder. “It’s not going to be fun.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nihil gently places his hands over her braced fists against the wall and breathes, unable to come up with anything that could dissuade her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His words come to him after a wave of heartache, and he recites them to her softly, “I like you so much more than you ever could know, Sister. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Imperator doesn’t want to respond and just lets his warmth seep through her clothes- and she is so cold to the foreign sensation of being touched by him. She breathes and lets off the wall, turning into his outstretched arm and places it over her eyes. Holding it gingerly with both hands.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can we go to bed?” She asks him, so softly the fabric of his shirt hardly moves. “My body hurts.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’ll be-” Nihil pauses at the sight of Sister holding his arm and thinks his next phrase carefully. “Do you want me to lie down with you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a pause and a shuffling of feet between the two of them, and she looks up at him finally and then looks down at his collar. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Only if you are okay with it,” Nihil adds.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t reject you,” Imperator replies, and smoothes her way past him to the bed she claimed against the wall and starts to take off her jacket, pausing before going any further. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to change into my pajamas,” she says while picking up her nicely folded nightgown. “Please look away.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nihil immediately looks out the window into the parking lot beyond the hotel room; their car sits so lonesomely right in front of the room, and his brain catches on fire when he hears any fabric move. He decides to hold his gaze on the front wheels and consider their treads, vaguely making estimates of the tires’ life expectancy when hearing a zipper stops any other thought from coming into his brain. He decides to close his eyes altogether. It’s agonizing darkness till Imperator’s voice comes in softly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can look, Conrad.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nihil eyes snap open, and his head whips towards her, maybe a little too quickly, and he suddenly feels like he may see her flinch-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But she’s standing there at the edge of the bed in black pajama pants and an old t-shirt so big it could be a nightgown, something packed in haste. There is a part of him that becomes soft enough he feels close to naked, even though he’s buttoned up to the collar. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you coming?” Her hair is down. She didn’t get the chance to shower, so it’s curled up around the ends. “Are you having second thoughts?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No! I’m coming, don’t worry,” Nihil sputters out in response. “Just let me get undressed.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Imperator’s face has a flash of confusion until she realizes that he’s still in his traveling clothes and turns away quickly towards the bed. “I’ll go in then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nihil’s face feels hot. They had done things like this before, shared the same bed and more, but now being outside the church walls feels more significant. Imperator feels like she’s vulnerable without a choice, that things are forcing themselves into the open like flowers out of concrete. The dips in her shoulders seem to burn in his mind, even when he closes his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Imperator lifts up a leg to crawl into bed, and Nihil is already grabbing his suitcase from the table and snapping it open, finding his bedclothes to be loose flannel pants and boxers. Internally cursing his past self, he heads into the bathroom with his toiletries and turns the water to an icy cold at full blast. It’s brutal, but everything about him right now seems to boil his brain. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he finally leaves the bathroom, shirtless and more awake than he anticipated, all the lights are low. Imperator is already under the covers, her blonde hair peeking from the edge of the comforter, facing the wall. Her form scrunched together, wanting to disappear. Nihil chooses not to acknowledge what his heart is doing and tosses his day clothes into the open suitcase. He doesn’t want to screw up even further. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Imperator makes a small hum from deep under the sheets, speaking but not wanting to make any assumptions, and Nihl responds back in time as he lifts the sheets and shimmies in, keeping a small distance. He sighs deeply and slowly reaches out his hand till his knuckle brushes Sister’s back. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you alright?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sister doesn’t respond right away, her breaths counting out a soft tempo, but her body does uncurl. Nihil doesn’t remove his hand, and he hears her voice, but it’s so muted and far away he can’t parse it. It carries the kind of sorrow that can sink a ship in an ocean without a sense of dread- just acceptance. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I feel like I’m all alone,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sister’s voice waves.</span>
  <em>
    <span> “Why can’t I just get it together?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The back of Nihil’s hand flattens against her back and her warmth seeps through his skin. At that moment, he has no idea what to say, so he says nothing and lets himself hear her voice. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Grace. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He repeats in his head over and over like a chant, feeling like she can hear him deep in her well of loneliness. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Grace.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The voice turns into a deep gulping breath, and then Sister turns towards him and grabs his hand, placing it over her mouth. She does not look at him and squeezes her eyes shut in the dark, keeping the worst of it away from him. Nihil stays still and feels her breathe through her nose for a while. In that dim light, her eyelashes are dark, her freckles bloom on her nose, and Nihil can’t help but memorize her features. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This happened only a few times when everything is so large and encroaching that Sister gathers herself in total darkness just to face tomorrow. Her every day is so full, so constant, that it seems she has no place to let herself heal from all the cuts and bruises. She is happy, yes, when she started to gather their little troupe among all the other staff members- when her lunch breaks became rowdy and their pews full. When they chased each other after services to see who got to drive home. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But even close friends make mistakes, break things, cause harm. What could they do? Wait until they were in one of their bedrooms and let the feelings seep out of them like fumes? Talk about it, shout, laugh, everything else- then crawl right under the covers and warm together. But right here, with the feeling of Sister’s lips right on the palm of his hand, Father Nihil can’t seem to be able to mitigate the pain. All he can do is give her a lighthouse in the dark.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know a place we can go / Where you'll fall in love so hard that / You'll wish you were dead</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hope your holiday went well! This section has be sitting in a document for...almost two years? I started writing this before the Go Go Goat MV came out, and after losing two laptops in the process and several pages, this chapter was all that remained from that time. Everything else was written recently! But the whole hotel room section was saved through my own inability to keep track of my work. </p>
<p>You should really get a external hard drive for Christmas, learn from me. </p>
<p>(To the single person I write for: I miss you, I saw pomegranates in the store recently and felt like a stray cat waiting for its family to return from a 10-year-long summer vacation. We well steal fruit again, my favourite fiend.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Good Morning, Captian.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The thing that wakes Nihil up is the sound of the shower running at full blast. He rolls over to look at the clock: 7am. He groans.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It is funny, in a well-worn kind of way, how Sister Imperator wakes up at least an hour before she said she was going to. While almost-father, Nihil was always just a few minutes late to every appointment, class, date-night rendezvous…</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He gets up after glaring at the clock and quietly cursing the morning sun, slumps his way to work the hotel room coffee pot. Sleep and emotions hang heavy over him, but the feeling of doing something with his hands feels better than lying in bed. He knows that he will just stay there motionless, watching the bathroom door. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sister fell asleep later-on during the night, but Nihil could not. He spent much too long staring at her sleeping face- a very vulnerable position after everything that happened last night. Does she want to talk about it? Maybe. But right now, he needs to get dressed and drink the horrible coffee mess he made while thinking about her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When the bathroom door opens, Sister is already dressed. Her face is flush from the shower, and her shoulders and hands burst with color from the boiling hot water. It’s been a long time since Nihil’s seen her in slacks. He thinks about how nice the white sleeveless blouse looks on her and then immediately shuts his brain up by looking toward the car and talking to her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Would you like to see if they have any breakfast set-up, or would you like to eat on the road?” he asks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The road might be best, and I’d rather beat the traffic,” she replies. Her voice sounds raspy like she’s been yelling in the shower.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There is a bit of a pause, and Nihil hazards an attempt to talk about last night, “How did...your phone call with your family go?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nihil turns to look at her then, and she’s looking straight at him.</p>
<p>Her face is hard to describe, but it lives between a painted expression and something a little feral. Her hair is swept back into a bun, and has dark black eyeliner swept over her lids.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not well.” she says finally, “It’s hard to explain.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nihil hands her a cup of coffee, “I have time,” and moves to get her the hotel’s terrible sugar packets. “I wanna hear it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Imperator hums back and takes the sugar, and looks at her luggage. “Ah my soap. Still in the shower.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I like it.” Nihil says off handily, “You look nice.”</p>
<p>Imperator smiles a little and goes to pack up; Nihil shifts his weight back and forth and watches her for a moment, then realizes that time exists and hustles to get dressed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They don’t talk until they check out and return the bags to the car, the swelling heat of the day beating down on the black Dart. Imperator rubs out a spot where a piece of the gravel must’ve kicked up and scratched the paint.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She whispers quietly, “My baby...”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know, I can drive for a few hours. You must be exhausted.” Nihil says behind her, all the luggage in hand. “Last night was a bit rough for you.”</p>
<p>The Dart’s black began to reflect the desert sun in earnest, time feeling in motion again, and Imperator considers herself for the first time in a week.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Am I tired?  </em>She asks herself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Most likely.  </em>Is the response.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> Do I want to be awake right now?  </em>She asks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> No. But who will direct Conrad? </em> Is the response.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>So she breathes in a deep gasping breath, and opens the passenger door, “You can drive, only if you don’t get us lost.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nihil’s mouth shoots up at the corners in a bewildered grin, like a little kid being allowed into the basement on his own for the first time, and moves quickly to place all their luggage into the back.</p>
<p>He shimmies into the driver’s seat while Imperator leans back and stares at the horizon. She gets the undeniable feeling of running away. She doesn’t move.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you hungry? We can hit the drive-thru and then get some more drinks for the road-- yeah?” he asks when they pull out of the parking lot. It’s another 4 days to Ohio, and Imperator is thinking about the hot desert she left behind. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah,” she responds back, “I think a cup of coffee would be good right about now.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Short one, trying to get back into this. So sorry that I've been gone!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. There is a place, there is a place, there is a place</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p><br/>The drive between Flagstaff to Albuquerque and Oklahoma city is blurred. Imperator sleeps in bits and bursts, and each time she is coherent enough, Nihil hands her a little cup of coffee and keeps driving. </p><p> </p><p>They sleep in the car most of the time, wrapped up in each other, with blankets and coats over them. The car rocks occasionally when another car drives past at what can only be the speed of sound, but they just grip a little tighter around themselves. When it’s that cold and dark, it’s better to believe that they were on a tiny dingy on the sea than on leather seats.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, if she feels a little burst of energy, Imperator calls him ‘Captain’ just to watch him sputter out a laugh. It’s a nice in-between the stress of finding showers and cook-outs with large combos they can share while sitting on the hood.</p><p> </p><p>Sister hates the radio stations when they catch them and tries to find news of the world over the radio waves-- getting back static or a voice that stings like home. When an audio cast comes on in Spanish, she sticks to it as long as possible till it fades into incoherence. </p><p> </p><p>Nihil, however, tries to keep up the energy between them. He seems excited to get out of his comfort zone, even under these circumstances. When they can get out of the car, he switches between holding her hand and putting an arm around her waist. Guiding between place to place. </p><p><br/>When they can, they forget that this isn’t a trip to see a funeral, but a vacation. But questions come up right under Nihil’s tongue, and he asks her about her life in Ohio. She’s keen on staying vague, not really accustomed to rehashing what she called ‘old news.’</p><p> </p><p>Nihil liked the old news, though, and would become more attentive with every bit of slip of information. She told him that her old bedsheets doubled as couch covers when she got too big for them and later transformed them into delicate blouses and dresses. That she learned how to make homemade whipped cream for birthdays and holidays. That Ohio was acceptable to live in if you were keen on dying in the same place you were born.</p><p> </p><p>In between naps on the road, she spat out at a radio announcer who spoke about the trouble of ‘keeping women in a workplace, that “the only kind of men who think women are a burden, are the first ones in line to ask us to make ’em a hot meal!”</p><p>Nihil kept his mouth shut on how he asked her to make him a hot meal, fearing he may never receive another one. </p><p> </p><p>Once Oklahoma opened up to them, things seemed to become easier to manage. The following hotel they were able to find felt like crawling into a reenactment of Psycho. Nihil and Imperator headed into the room and began a search for the three things never to allow in a cheap hotel room; bed bugs, dirty sheets, and uninvited guests. </p><p> </p><p>Cleared of all three, Nihil picks up the receiver and hands it to Imperator.<br/>“Don’t you want to phone home?” he asks her, a small smile appearing on his face, “I’m sure Narrows is worried.”</p><p> </p><p>Imperator smiles back and dials and talks to the operator about connecting the call. After a long pause where Nihil reclines on the bed and watches as Imperator takes the rest of the phone into her hands and slowly starts moving back and forth, waiting to connect.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just a small one, coming back from hiatus to say hello, give a little Imperator Lore. I'm getting my second shot soon! I hope you all are able to get yours soon.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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